The theme of my life lately has been ‘ I cannot tell lies but I cannot promise
anything.’ I just finished a detox. A
detox that I thought was only about food, breaking up with my date obsession
(not men, think cockroach looking dried fruit), moreso a spring cleaning of my
body in general. Boy, did I have a HUGE wake up call. I’ve drifted so far down
a river of confusion, realization, sadness, unrest, anxiety, love, frustration
and happiness that I couldn’t even tell you where to put my oars in the mix of
it all. It’s been hectic.
Little did I know that this detox was going to challenge old thoughts and habits, uproot ‘friendships,’ jobs, bring forth new ventures, and truly, shake the shit out of every single thing that I knew as routine. Picture a snow globe in the hands of a two year old (if they don’t end up dropping it first-actually it could feel like that too). It has been intense. Did I mention that in the midst of all of this I haven’t even been able to run away from any of it-literally? I successfully managed to fracture my foot so not only have I been firmly rooted in all of these feelings and emotions, I have had no other choice but to sit through it all in whatever way it needed to be sorted, or not.
Little did I know that this detox was going to challenge old thoughts and habits, uproot ‘friendships,’ jobs, bring forth new ventures, and truly, shake the shit out of every single thing that I knew as routine. Picture a snow globe in the hands of a two year old (if they don’t end up dropping it first-actually it could feel like that too). It has been intense. Did I mention that in the midst of all of this I haven’t even been able to run away from any of it-literally? I successfully managed to fracture my foot so not only have I been firmly rooted in all of these feelings and emotions, I have had no other choice but to sit through it all in whatever way it needed to be sorted, or not.
Frankly, I’ve felt crazy.
Ask my poor mother. I think she has seen me through every which angle of
this week, and let me tell you, I’ve never been good at math. What has been on
my mind today, the sheer fact that I’m even sitting here writing this entry is
that I’ve been a huge liar. I never thought of myself as a liar. Growing up, I
couldn’t even get away with even a white lie because my grin would tell it all.
But during these five days of rehabilitation, I’ve logged more hours of
thinking and alone time than most do in an entire lifetime, and have come to
conclude that there is a lie that surrounds my life. Fear has been the biggest
player of the last decade of my life, pulling me back when I should have jumped
forward, keeping me quiet when I should have spoken up. The variables that have
clouded my path could fill up pages and do not deserve such formal
acknowledgement. So instead, we will shine a light on the humor in epiphanies
and how they all hit you at once, as some sort of life explosion (epHITtphany
seems to be more rightfully named).
On this well touted highway, I’ve had yet another pleasure
of experiencing the dance of the body and mind.
How our actions and more importantly, INACTIONS, manifest into health
issues, behavioral changes and discomforts in all facets of oneself that we
chalk up to the consequence of eating bad food, over working, or partying too
much (don’t get it twisted, these are real too). Do we, in these moments, take
a step outside of our bodies to take inventory of everything that we have
lately been doing or not doing? Have we taken the time to take inventory of our
goals and dreams to see just how far from our path we have strayed for
something that we thought was to be more awarding or socially acceptable at
that time? No trick question here; Nope. We do not. And I’ve had the pleasure to yet, again,
realize all of this first hand. I always knew I had to learn things the hard
way, but you’d think at some point it was actually get easier. No way Jose.
The detox that I embarked on was not even my own, ironically
enough, but the quest of my friend, whom, oddly enough, has drifted down the
detox river straight out of my life (whaddya know, I think I just had an
epiphany before your eyes). I was looking at it as a fun challenge as I’ve been
a bit bored in my every day life-clearly. I’m now on the other side where
things have started to shift and settle into the next chapter of what needs to
be confronted: being true to myself, my goals, my time, my voice, my mind, what
works for me and what doesn’t, what makes me tick, my goals, how to get there,
honoring myself, loving myself, and allowing failure, and success equal playing
fields in this entire up hill battle better known as ‘self-acceptance.’ Oh the
things they don’t teach you in school.
I’ve realized that nothing can be achieved if you do not have something outlined that you want to achieve. In my younger years, I defined my ways as impromptu and yes, that still holds heaps of truth, but as I’ve gotten older, and more responsibilities have mucked up the waters that were a shade of crystal clear at one point, discipline is a necessity in keeping wagers on your own self. Let’s get real, we are all crazy and wild beasts in need of a leash and collar that fits us and only us. It’s in the realizing and the shopping of that leash and collar that is most important. You can only find what works best for you when you test drive your options.
I’ve realized that nothing can be achieved if you do not have something outlined that you want to achieve. In my younger years, I defined my ways as impromptu and yes, that still holds heaps of truth, but as I’ve gotten older, and more responsibilities have mucked up the waters that were a shade of crystal clear at one point, discipline is a necessity in keeping wagers on your own self. Let’s get real, we are all crazy and wild beasts in need of a leash and collar that fits us and only us. It’s in the realizing and the shopping of that leash and collar that is most important. You can only find what works best for you when you test drive your options.
What has thrown me through a loop quite a few times in this
life (after finding my own collar and leash) has been listening to other
people’s thoughts and opinions, reading too many articles and books, and
consulting google (sorry googs, still love ya). You need to realize that
everyone is always going to have something to say, some sort of an opinion
because as human beings we are able to make quick judgments that has allowed us
to make it this far as a species. Now give that same
quick-judgmental-thought-forming mind words, knowledge, and life experiences,
and you’ve got one mean thing brewin’. But that’s ok. It’s in the finding of
ourselves that gives us the confidence and ability to take inventory and stock
of what it is that we need out of this life.
I have detoxed the essentials out of the chaos that is my
life. Things are falling to the wayside, others are taking the spot light, and I’m
here watching it all flash before my eyes. It’s beautiful. It’s all about
timing and yet, no one ever knows what time it is! So there I will leave it,
for now. And in that suspense, I hope that your snow globe is shaken up. I hope
that you walk away from this looking at yourself through a different lens. One that
is not so harsh. A lens coated in love and affection. This is all I can hope
for you, for right now.
