“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches
Monday, March 14, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
the pain in hiding the rough edges
I've had some shitty awareness come about
over the last few weeks.
Seeing a paradigm I thought I had transcended,
time ago.
It's the fear of letting someone see the full me,
all the cracks,
the missing pieces,
the jagged edges, and
the deep, penetrating bits.
In the ordinary relationship,
it hides its borish head.
But the time comes when
deeper intimacy is in tow,
and up the walls come.
The real me hides behind the safe topics,
the shallow bubbles, showing truth if
ears piqued hard enough. Miss a beat,
and you see nothing more than surface.
This has only come into bird's eye view
as yet again, another relationship was
trying to take root smacked me in the face
with " I don't see a future in this."
My usual response was to look at all the
things I fucked up on. Today, it's different.
It's all of the things I didn't let come out,
the person I didn't let shine after the
flood gates were opened.
And now I see it clearly. Even meditation
brought it into the foreground in the last weeks,
where I was closing up, what I wanted to change,
and being too scared and thinking too hard in what
direction, what magic way to change it. Instead of
just doing it.
I've always thought there had to be some huge earth quake
as the relationship rumbles into something deeper,
an understanding and a communication that only those
two souls comprehend. And yet, I'm seeing that is
not the case at all. I was waiting for a lightbulb to
turn on, that was already on. I was waiting for signs
to show, that were already there. I was looking for
validation when validation was already there, in self.
I was projecting all of the things I did not want, with
acute awareness of trying to do exactly not that. Now,
seeing clearly, perched from up here, I see that what is
hopefully still in front of me, is still in front of me.
That everything that I want, is not only inside me,
but in the man that finally has put an end to this
paradigm by helping me to shine light upon it.
This doesn't mean it hurts any less. The realization
that I always realize things too late. Or that, he was
just simply waiting for me to show up. All of me.
The me that captivated him in the beginning. That me.
The weird one who began to take things too sensitively
and thought it was best to start locking those misfit
pieces away. He was waiting for that to show up.
I could see the shift. I felt it, in my soul, each little
gravitational pull away. And right in time as my own brain,
and soul processes what things I needed to work on in my
relationship with him. Coincidence? I hope so...
And so I see what I want, and where I went wrong.
Where the rough edges I was trying so hard to
suffocate needed light and space to breathe,
in the light and space we were creating together.
Each one of us, Whole as we are.
The projections, as I tried to make too much sense
of unimportant happenings were the same
projections where I found the clarity of what
was.
over the last few weeks.
Seeing a paradigm I thought I had transcended,
time ago.
It's the fear of letting someone see the full me,
all the cracks,
the missing pieces,
the jagged edges, and
the deep, penetrating bits.
In the ordinary relationship,
it hides its borish head.
But the time comes when
deeper intimacy is in tow,
and up the walls come.
The real me hides behind the safe topics,
the shallow bubbles, showing truth if
ears piqued hard enough. Miss a beat,
and you see nothing more than surface.
This has only come into bird's eye view
as yet again, another relationship was
trying to take root smacked me in the face
with " I don't see a future in this."
My usual response was to look at all the
things I fucked up on. Today, it's different.
It's all of the things I didn't let come out,
the person I didn't let shine after the
flood gates were opened.
And now I see it clearly. Even meditation
brought it into the foreground in the last weeks,
where I was closing up, what I wanted to change,
and being too scared and thinking too hard in what
direction, what magic way to change it. Instead of
just doing it.
I've always thought there had to be some huge earth quake
as the relationship rumbles into something deeper,
an understanding and a communication that only those
two souls comprehend. And yet, I'm seeing that is
not the case at all. I was waiting for a lightbulb to
turn on, that was already on. I was waiting for signs
to show, that were already there. I was looking for
validation when validation was already there, in self.
I was projecting all of the things I did not want, with
acute awareness of trying to do exactly not that. Now,
seeing clearly, perched from up here, I see that what is
hopefully still in front of me, is still in front of me.
That everything that I want, is not only inside me,
but in the man that finally has put an end to this
paradigm by helping me to shine light upon it.
This doesn't mean it hurts any less. The realization
that I always realize things too late. Or that, he was
just simply waiting for me to show up. All of me.
The me that captivated him in the beginning. That me.
The weird one who began to take things too sensitively
and thought it was best to start locking those misfit
pieces away. He was waiting for that to show up.
I could see the shift. I felt it, in my soul, each little
gravitational pull away. And right in time as my own brain,
and soul processes what things I needed to work on in my
relationship with him. Coincidence? I hope so...
And so I see what I want, and where I went wrong.
Where the rough edges I was trying so hard to
suffocate needed light and space to breathe,
in the light and space we were creating together.
Each one of us, Whole as we are.
The projections, as I tried to make too much sense
of unimportant happenings were the same
projections where I found the clarity of what
was.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
the travesty in our illusions
If we all saw each other as one, as ourselves, we wouldn't be so shocked when someone else has a good idea.
We would be so shocked when someone else understands something we don't.
We wouldn't be so shocked when someone who ranks lower than enlightens us to something we hadn't seen before.
We are all amazing. We are all capable of amazing things.
It's a travesty that we still build these walls, walls that separate I from you, I from nature, you from I.
And we continue to build those walls, day after day.
If we could only realize that all we need is to love ourselves, and be our main man, we wouldn't seek so hard in our outer environment for the sheer glance of recognition from another. The life force, the energy, the control, the spirit and love that we give away from our own selves when we lead our lives in this way only throws stones at our glass empire. We are left in the rubble, broken and stained, wondering what else we could have done, what else we could do for that half second of acknowledgement that will never serve as a solid infrastructure to our stained glass temple.
Dust yourself off.
Pick up the shattered pieces and allow the sunlight to blast the dark shadows of failure and hurt out of them, releasing them back into the swirling blue skies. Let them go home. Accept all that didn't serve you, and rewire those light energies into your soul as yet another splatter of your own blood, a long stream on a wave of a single inhalation. Take it all in. It's all you. You were meant to be the bearer of each and every stain that has been painted onto your glass. For if one panel was missing, there would be no temple, no empire, no you.
Embrace all that which is light, and spread that light into the darkness. Fear not love.
We would be so shocked when someone else understands something we don't.
We wouldn't be so shocked when someone who ranks lower than enlightens us to something we hadn't seen before.
We are all amazing. We are all capable of amazing things.
It's a travesty that we still build these walls, walls that separate I from you, I from nature, you from I.
And we continue to build those walls, day after day.
If we could only realize that all we need is to love ourselves, and be our main man, we wouldn't seek so hard in our outer environment for the sheer glance of recognition from another. The life force, the energy, the control, the spirit and love that we give away from our own selves when we lead our lives in this way only throws stones at our glass empire. We are left in the rubble, broken and stained, wondering what else we could have done, what else we could do for that half second of acknowledgement that will never serve as a solid infrastructure to our stained glass temple.
Dust yourself off.
Pick up the shattered pieces and allow the sunlight to blast the dark shadows of failure and hurt out of them, releasing them back into the swirling blue skies. Let them go home. Accept all that didn't serve you, and rewire those light energies into your soul as yet another splatter of your own blood, a long stream on a wave of a single inhalation. Take it all in. It's all you. You were meant to be the bearer of each and every stain that has been painted onto your glass. For if one panel was missing, there would be no temple, no empire, no you.
Embrace all that which is light, and spread that light into the darkness. Fear not love.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
bringing to light that which is in the dark
We put too much esteem in places and spaces that which we have limited or no understanding in regards to. Just because you are able to regurgitate an idea, a phrase, an overheard something from one arvo in a cafe, does not mean that you understand what you are saying.
This has been a humbling realization to me. I may "know" something for years, but then one day, an implosion of the mind and a fluttering epiphany leave me in a dusty cloud of "I get it."
So we cling on to the things, weaving them into our identity, fumbling over our words when what we are saying and what we are telling someone are two completely different things. Blind speech.
This is just one conversation out of the three some billion that happen a day. Put that all into one huge melting pot, and we've got ourselves in a kettle of 'what the fuck are we talking about' stew. And the people continue to eat it up, and regurgitate it on to the next soul.
Since what we are feeling, saying and thinking-let alone are we truly listening- all get immeshed into projections, throw at others, thrown at the world. Then the world becomes this big scary place that we need to hide from, because everyone has it out for us-no one can be trusted. Little do we realize that it is our own energies that have not been addressed. We haven't put our own own fuses so we pass it along like wild fire, as we seek to find shelter and safety in the hammock of loving arms of someone who completes us.
What would happen if we increased our self awareness?
What would happen if we realized that what we dislike in others are actually qualities we dislike in ourselves?
What would happen if we were to take all that resides in the dark within us and bring it to the light?
What would happen if we listened to what we were saying, if we were to pause and use our higher conscious to speak, instead of word vommiting for vommiting sake?
What if we were to lead with love, on to every human, flower, piece of paper we come into contact with in this world?
What if?
What's even better is we can. We just have to slow down and try.
This has been a humbling realization to me. I may "know" something for years, but then one day, an implosion of the mind and a fluttering epiphany leave me in a dusty cloud of "I get it."
So we cling on to the things, weaving them into our identity, fumbling over our words when what we are saying and what we are telling someone are two completely different things. Blind speech.
This is just one conversation out of the three some billion that happen a day. Put that all into one huge melting pot, and we've got ourselves in a kettle of 'what the fuck are we talking about' stew. And the people continue to eat it up, and regurgitate it on to the next soul.
Since what we are feeling, saying and thinking-let alone are we truly listening- all get immeshed into projections, throw at others, thrown at the world. Then the world becomes this big scary place that we need to hide from, because everyone has it out for us-no one can be trusted. Little do we realize that it is our own energies that have not been addressed. We haven't put our own own fuses so we pass it along like wild fire, as we seek to find shelter and safety in the hammock of loving arms of someone who completes us.
What would happen if we increased our self awareness?
What would happen if we realized that what we dislike in others are actually qualities we dislike in ourselves?
What would happen if we were to take all that resides in the dark within us and bring it to the light?
What would happen if we listened to what we were saying, if we were to pause and use our higher conscious to speak, instead of word vommiting for vommiting sake?
What if we were to lead with love, on to every human, flower, piece of paper we come into contact with in this world?
What if?
What's even better is we can. We just have to slow down and try.
the irrelativity of time
Time is an illusion.
For example:
Let's go on a run.
A half hour run.
Time. Thirty minutes. This is truth, right?
Now for each mile you run, let's say you have varying paced miles (whose values don't matter because time is an illusion):
9:10
8:19
10:12
But none of that matters.
nor does your mile average that is 9:12.
Because you still stop running once you have reached 30 minutes.
So nothing that occurred in-between the parameters of that thirty minute truth (illusion), is real. Because the time you started with wasn't real.
Even though there were three different variables held in the thirty minute span of time, it didn't change your overall finishing time. These were only a one off calculation of a plausible happening of the within.
Therefore, it's all bull shit. Let's say you get faster and can reach your end goal, that 30 minute run faster. But no you can't. Thirty minutes is thirty minutes. It is an illusion that we feed too much esteem into for control sake.
And the outcome? You may have the ability to reach your destination sooner but will not due to your constrain of a popular illusion called time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
self-awareness. how bout it.
I've been getting really annoyed at life lately, namely, in the observing other the general population's behaviors...
Everyone has always got something to say, whether that is their political views, religions vomiting, or regurgitation of pop culture (shoot me), that they don't even see how futile these breaths are, this WASTED energy.
I am getting angry just thinking about it.
I am getting angry just thinking about it.
And yet, things like "I want to change my life, I've gained weight, how do I get healthy," all the actually important shit, gets swept under the rug because maybe it's not too cool to talk about or perhaps it's too fucking difficult.
I've been finding myself checking out, and checking out hard. When I am in the midst of conversations like this is my present state of self, I'm either found walking out of these situations, or poutting myself into a deep, trance like meditation to preserve my precious mind (hence why I do not watch the news, horror films, television, and the like).
The amount of energy, and passion that is projected behind these talks, these 'views' that so fervently need to be shared, disgust me. how can we be so unaware?
How can we honestly think that these are the things that should be highlighted in this beautiful life?
How can we honestly think that these are the things that should be highlighted in this beautiful life?
If only the general human populace had 1% of that passion and awareness as to what is going on in reality tv, sports, or other bull shit they like to quack about, into their OWN SELF AWARENESS, maybe this world wouldn't be such a fucked up place after all.
Maybe we would be more mindful in using one trilliongabillion pieces of paper in corporate America, wasting 75% of our meals when we dine out because we are on some stupid ass diet followed by "I'll take the cheesecake," in how we treated this thing that we call earth, oh wait, is that the medium that allows us to even be alive at all? Weird. I haven't thought about that in twenty years.
These topics and the lack of any awareness, whatsoever, disturb me to my current state of "checked out." As I observe these daily tendencies of most individuals, I am left, mouth agape, at the square thought process, tilling and toiling in the negative muck that, hold on to your bootstraps, is MADE UP BY US.
confidence through words
is it not enough to bring forth your own confidence in holding up a belief, thought or feeling of yours?
why is it that we need to bring in a coup of 'other supporters' to fluff what we are about to say so the other person becomes distracted in the deemed 'righteousness' of the credibility with which that person speaks with?
instead, why can't we just be vulnerable enough to throw it out there? no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel, how deeply it ruffles our feathers and how we are then left with no control over what the other person's response or reaction to what we are saying will be?
these things get easier the more you repeat them. and yes, bringing forth credible sources is fitting when you're trying to make a mark in writing a paper-when plagiarism comes into question-but the beauty of being human is that we can talk in first person. and that first person is you. it is your experience, it is your, perception of the world through your experience. believe it or not it is self absorbed- you know now other way.
therefore, let that vulnerability shine and let it be enough that YOU feel this way and want another person to know. don't come with loaded guns. that's exactly what we are trying to get away from here. get back to you. that's all you need. be confident enough in your own skin suit that you don't have to bring in the reinforcements to have your back.
why is it that we need to bring in a coup of 'other supporters' to fluff what we are about to say so the other person becomes distracted in the deemed 'righteousness' of the credibility with which that person speaks with?
instead, why can't we just be vulnerable enough to throw it out there? no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel, how deeply it ruffles our feathers and how we are then left with no control over what the other person's response or reaction to what we are saying will be?
these things get easier the more you repeat them. and yes, bringing forth credible sources is fitting when you're trying to make a mark in writing a paper-when plagiarism comes into question-but the beauty of being human is that we can talk in first person. and that first person is you. it is your experience, it is your, perception of the world through your experience. believe it or not it is self absorbed- you know now other way.
therefore, let that vulnerability shine and let it be enough that YOU feel this way and want another person to know. don't come with loaded guns. that's exactly what we are trying to get away from here. get back to you. that's all you need. be confident enough in your own skin suit that you don't have to bring in the reinforcements to have your back.
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