the lack of integration

Have you ever wondered why the same shit continues to bubble up, smacking you in the face-year after year. The tickle of the same old patterns tripping you up in exactly the same ways they always have and still you don't "understand why?" A lot of the time, these patterns are unconscious, and so, continually get swept under the veil of 'the-shit-we-don't-want-to-look-at-because-it's-uncomfortable.' Sound familiar?

We wear this veil thinking it will serve our greater good, sacred shitless of what would happen dare we take it off. Not for one second do we think about WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE WOULD TAKE IT OFF! It's the same concept, just said under a different light and perspective. This slight-of-hand in the delivery of information to our own selves is where the magic happens; we get out of the way of ourselves.

We have been in the way of ourselves our entire lives. This stings. In a society where excuses and lack of personal responsibility are elusive, this is a HUGE TRIGGER to your shit. This is where I do not apologize. We give our power and control away in ways we don't even understand, but it is in the discomforts of seeing our shit arise, that we can deal with it, look at it, and INTEGRATE what it is that we are consciously/subconsciously rejecting from our authentic self. This integrative process is the pulling of the plug in the energies of our triggers. Once what is rejected from our authentic self is indeed interwoven into the trappings of our authenticity, we no longer will become provoked by triggers that are actually neutral and meaningless 'things' until our placed definition and meaning onto them calls these 'mattered things' into our mental focus. Just like inertia, our energy will continue to feed this 'mattered business,' a path known to us consciously or subconsciously.

This is why we keep things hidden-IT HURTS and takes accountability, and WORK to do something about our discomforts. If we allowed all of these hidden pieces, these unintegrated pieces of us to flow freely into the open gates of our consciousness, we would drown in their wake. We are essentially a bunch of adult children, trying to integrate what was cut off from our authenticity, per imprinting and felt-perception, at a young age. During the natural progression from baby to now-self, it all started with emotions, and ends in emotions. First, we learned to cry and express through emotions. The next phase ensue happened when we reached the milestone of seven years of age, it was time to grow up- cue the mental capacity development through education. The final phase hits at puberty. We are in the physical development of ourself. However, there is no interrogation of these stages. It's almost as though we stop one thing to carry onto the next thing, and once we hit adulthood, somewhere in there, we are like fish out of water in the understanding of our emotional selves- given up somewhere back there.

This veil is just that, a facade we have used to grow up to what is acceptable in our adult human suit, but underneath there is a land waiting to be explored. Only when we step outside of the veil that keeps our darkness safe from the light - hides ourselves from ourselves- keeps us stuck - continues the cycle of pain and unsurving paradigms alive - only then, are we able to begin the integration process into an emotionally complete, triggerless, integrated  adult human, being, in this world.

Because I'm Finally Ready to Show Up Naked to the Party.

I'm curious.

What is it about saying our truth that scares the living shit out of us?

I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions and pair the general public with my own insecurities and fear of standing in my own power, from brain, to heart to communication of it all. As it always does, the perfect timing has shown up and painfully punched me in the face with all that no longer works for me- leaving me bloody, and bruised, confusedly gasping for air. Might I add, how all I thought was keeping me safe and protected from the big, bad world of feelings and vulnerability was frankly, the cause of my self-imposed suffering.

Is it the fear or rejection?
The fear of vulnerability?
The fear of what I've always wanted taking root and exploding my heart and soul into stardust?
Perhaps it's being too much or saying too much- letting all those weird ass things we know about ourselves- and don't accept- show up and be seen and- inevitably- judged?

For me, it's all of the above. Namely, I'm speaking to this topic in terms of myself in a relationship, as this is the only time when I'm confronted face-to-face as all my shit bubbles up, like the ugliest mermaid devil, as she lurks from deep in the sea of my soul,trying to take me captive as yet another victim in this world of victims and excuses. Why? Frankly, it's because we project outwardly onto one another, mirroring what it is we need to find/work on in our own selves. and it's hard to stomach and own that IT'S US AND NOT THEM.We can thank them for allowing them to show us what we reject in our own selves, and being that bigger than life mirror we smashed into a million pieces one day long ago when we found it. For everything we see in others, is simply a projection of what is going on, or what we are lacking in our own selves, hence our outward search party.

Over the years of hurt and pain, and shitty ass socialization from a young age- being taught to toughen up, to suck it up- as outward affection and vulnerability wasn't something that was seen as a high esteem in my family- I learned quickly how to build walls. Big, fat cement walls, guarding me like rivers to the castle of my soul that countless numbers of people have waited outside of, waiting for me to show up and let them in, yet I never had. Fast forward to my grown up life, and I've found it next to impossible, and scary as fuck to show outward affection, as I've clearly been successful at cutting off the flow of my feminine energy, and even the permission to grant myself to be that tender femininity that I so long for- because it is easier not to feel: good, bad, or indifferent as those feelings resonated with weakness and neediness in my mind. To make matters even worse, I haven't been able to see my own behaviors clearly until just recently when I woke up to this whole paradigm I've woven myself into and how, naturally, it's no longer working (but has it ever?).

As radically as I've become conscious to this new found awareness into the TRUTH of who I REALLY am (still learning, fucking hell, it never ends), an interesting parallel came into mind while running through the depths of the forest the other day, and strangely, I found clarity- punny, right? A longing to be in the ocean came forth, not an outlandish pulse to come over me, for it's a constant desire, so I chose to look at it with a microscope as big as my consciousness and bring what the truth forward of whatever that meant. What showed up is my age old connection to water, ironically,figuratively,  the same connection I cut off with my own self from my femininity and being in general. The depth, the vastness, the changing currents, the feelings, the pain, the emptiness, the fulfillment, the permission to be, the struggles, the happiness, the fucking every thing that makes me me, yeah all that shit that's in the natural flow of life, I cut off. I finally could put my finger on the reasons the presence of the ocean can unravel me to tears, insecurities, and fears, a power not a single soul has over me. I woke up to the oceans tangible source of strength, power, mysteries, and vacant spaces before I came into this world heck, I dove into. And in the same way that I woke to the ocean, I woke to my soul and the clarity surrounding the shackles I placed on myself forbidding my self to feel life. I was running with that same agony to the ocean TO FEEL- to drown myself in all that made the ocean, the ocean, not seeing the ocean was inside of me.

And so this relationship-hide-myself-in-myself-facade-bullshit would repeat itself as follows:  I would let someone into my life, letting them drink from my bright and shinning soul, then the wide-eyed moment would come where I subconsciously or consciously made the decision that I LIKED this person, and hell, the army of walls would set up shop, draping myself behind the prison of my soul, as if on point. Being was no longer in the drivers seat; it was all human. Human and thinking. As the mind is notorious for, I would let it suck me into the over-analyzation of everything, analyzing me right out of the relationship. Whaddya know? What I didn't understand was that I was projecting all my inner wounds and unhealed pains onto my partner and the relationship we had just began to create, digging a grave for the inevitable death of the ensuing relationship. Enmeshed with the past, the infant flame stoked, was suffocated into nonexistence almost as quickly as it came to life.

My curiosity finally came into play when, thank god, one not so hot moment in my life finally served as the catalyst to where I've now taken a high beam floodlight into what behaviors and actions I've been guilty of all along, AND NEVER ADDRESSED. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me to even be thinking I'll post this publicly, but in some riveting way, saying those words is like handing over bags of burdened energy, allowing them to soar freely on the wings of some magnificent bird, high into the skies of liberation. Is this that "shinning light on the dark parts of ourselves" that I read about far too often and never actually exercise, understood or internalized.......?? I think I'm on to something here....

I'm finally ready to show up naked to the party. I want all of me seen. If I'm going to get hurt, it may as well be because I showed up fully and completely, dripping, naked, RAW and scared shitless. I've realized I've always been waiting for permission in my life: permission to be me, permission to be weird, permission to be the girl with the crazy hair and the bright pants, permission to be soft and maybe not try so hard, permission to be good enough and fill up my own damn tank, permission to open up EVEN FURTHER when what I want most is to close and run away. Permission not to run away, from me, because I need me; more than anyone else needs me.  Only now have I been able to touch that pain and realize I've projected never being enough onto others because I wasn't enough in my own eyes. No validation I sought out, love, acceptance, opportunity ORRRRRRRRRRRR, etc. could make me feel anymore fulfilled- I was looking in all the wrong places- because I didn't give myself permission to feel enough in my own self. I'm understanding what it means to breathe through the pain and the suffering which is ultimately an illusion and not real.

the darkness

 “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

the pain in hiding the rough edges

I've had some shitty awareness come about
over the last few weeks.

Seeing a paradigm I thought I had transcended,
time ago.

It's the fear of letting someone see the full me,
all the cracks,
the missing pieces,
the jagged edges, and
the deep, penetrating bits.

In the ordinary relationship,
it hides its borish head.
But the time comes when
deeper intimacy is in tow,
and up the walls come.

The real me hides behind the safe topics,
the shallow bubbles, showing truth if
ears piqued hard enough. Miss a beat,
and you see nothing more than surface.

This has only come into bird's eye view
as yet again, another relationship was
trying to take root smacked me in the face
with " I don't see a future in this."

My usual response was to look at all the
things I fucked up on. Today, it's different.
It's all of the things I didn't let come out,
the person I didn't let shine after the
flood gates were opened.

And now I see it clearly. Even meditation
brought it into the foreground in the last weeks,
where I was closing up, what I wanted to change,
and being too scared and thinking too hard in what
direction, what magic way to change it. Instead of
just doing it.

I've always thought there had to be some huge earth quake
as the relationship rumbles into something deeper,
an understanding and a communication that only those
two souls comprehend. And yet, I'm seeing that is
not the case at all. I was waiting for a lightbulb to
turn on, that was already on. I was waiting for signs
to show, that were already there. I was looking for
validation when validation was already there, in self.

I was projecting all of the things I did not want, with
acute awareness of trying to do exactly not that. Now,
seeing clearly, perched from up here, I see that what is
hopefully still in front of me, is still in front of me.
That everything that I want, is not only inside me,
but in the man that finally has put an end to this
paradigm by helping me to shine light upon it.

This doesn't mean it hurts any less. The realization
that I always realize things too late. Or that, he was
just simply waiting for me to show up. All of me.
The me that captivated him in the beginning. That me.
The weird one who began to take things too sensitively
and thought it was best to start locking those misfit
pieces away. He was waiting for that to show up.

I could see the shift. I felt it, in my soul, each little
gravitational pull away. And right in time as my own brain,
and soul processes what things I needed to work on in my
relationship with him. Coincidence? I hope so...

And so I see what I want, and where I went wrong.
Where the rough edges I was trying so hard to
suffocate needed light and space to breathe,
in the light and space we were creating together.
Each one of us, Whole as we are.

The projections, as I tried to make too much sense
of unimportant happenings were the same
projections where I found the clarity of what
was.