the pain in hiding the rough edges

I've had some shitty awareness come about
over the last few weeks.

Seeing a paradigm I thought I had transcended,
time ago.

It's the fear of letting someone see the full me,
all the cracks,
the missing pieces,
the jagged edges, and
the deep, penetrating bits.

In the ordinary relationship,
it hides its borish head.
But the time comes when
deeper intimacy is in tow,
and up the walls come.

The real me hides behind the safe topics,
the shallow bubbles, showing truth if
ears piqued hard enough. Miss a beat,
and you see nothing more than surface.

This has only come into bird's eye view
as yet again, another relationship was
trying to take root smacked me in the face
with " I don't see a future in this."

My usual response was to look at all the
things I fucked up on. Today, it's different.
It's all of the things I didn't let come out,
the person I didn't let shine after the
flood gates were opened.

And now I see it clearly. Even meditation
brought it into the foreground in the last weeks,
where I was closing up, what I wanted to change,
and being too scared and thinking too hard in what
direction, what magic way to change it. Instead of
just doing it.

I've always thought there had to be some huge earth quake
as the relationship rumbles into something deeper,
an understanding and a communication that only those
two souls comprehend. And yet, I'm seeing that is
not the case at all. I was waiting for a lightbulb to
turn on, that was already on. I was waiting for signs
to show, that were already there. I was looking for
validation when validation was already there, in self.

I was projecting all of the things I did not want, with
acute awareness of trying to do exactly not that. Now,
seeing clearly, perched from up here, I see that what is
hopefully still in front of me, is still in front of me.
That everything that I want, is not only inside me,
but in the man that finally has put an end to this
paradigm by helping me to shine light upon it.

This doesn't mean it hurts any less. The realization
that I always realize things too late. Or that, he was
just simply waiting for me to show up. All of me.
The me that captivated him in the beginning. That me.
The weird one who began to take things too sensitively
and thought it was best to start locking those misfit
pieces away. He was waiting for that to show up.

I could see the shift. I felt it, in my soul, each little
gravitational pull away. And right in time as my own brain,
and soul processes what things I needed to work on in my
relationship with him. Coincidence? I hope so...

And so I see what I want, and where I went wrong.
Where the rough edges I was trying so hard to
suffocate needed light and space to breathe,
in the light and space we were creating together.
Each one of us, Whole as we are.

The projections, as I tried to make too much sense
of unimportant happenings were the same
projections where I found the clarity of what
was.